Midnight Anxiety And Dread Followed Up By An Excellent Half Marathon This Afternoon In 2:10

Since it’s a bank holiday here I’ve been drinking a bit more than usual over the weekend.

This couldn’t have explained the level of fear I awoke with this morning though.

Sunday morning booze terror?

I’ve realised for a few years that rather than being a relaxant, alcohol only seems to intensify anxiety in the long run.

This morning I woke at 3am with a real sense of dread. I’ve experienced this before to a lesser degree, but this time it was intensified by the sweltering heat and the insomnia that was tied to it.

I watched the minutes pass on my clock ever so slowly but the fear made time stall.

Either my basal ganglia was shot and fucked by the half bottle of Whiskey on the previous evening, or by my insistence on playing ‘Private Idaho’ by the B-52s on repeat for about 7 hours.

It was fucking horrible just waiting there with nothing to do but hoping it would pass and I could just relax a little.

Thankfully the sun came up around 4am and the dread disappeared with the darkness.

Sleep disturbed!

I had a nightmare in which Kate Pierson died and was replaced on keyboards by an ostrich that Schneider had trained to screech and press the right keys on the organ in the right order.

I was quite upset at the time, but now that I’ve had time to think on it more bands should try replacing integral members with birds.

Brandon Flowers could be replaced cheaply and effectively with a Congolese Peacock and no-one would bat a fucking eyelid.

Only a dream…..

I woke at 10am feeling like shit.

Whenever I’ve had a hard night I seem to run so much better in the next morning. Everything seems more real, vital and it’s as if I think that my next run could be my last run.

I also try to tire myself out on the next run so that I don’t wake up at 2am with the dread again.

If I put 110% into the run, then I’ll be able to have some rest and not have to worry about living out the weird shit in my head as reality.

I wish I could run 25 miles on a whim, tire myself out and not have to contend with any of the bullshit.

A 13.2 mile run today with 270m of elevation gain.

So I went out with ‘Private Idaho’ ringing in my head and managed to successfully run the course I’d planned on running this time last week.

I attribute the following advice from the Full Potential Twitter account for my success.

I didn’t bother checking my pace at any point in the run, I was more interested in staying in control of my breathing and drinking from my bottle regularly.

I started panicing a little on the hill for a short period as I was worried I was losing control. So I slowed right down and focused 100% of my concentration on my breathing.

It turned out to be one of my best and most enjoyable runs this year and my mindset is so much better compared to this morning.

Now if only I could stop listening to the B-52’s….

Why I Need To Be Physically And Mentally Prepared For The Next Marathon. I’m Still Not Quite There Yet…

It’s the small decisions now that will make all of the difference to how you feel on race day.

Last time around in my Belfast Marathon training I ruined my training by giving up too easily on healthy eating. I always assumed I’d be able to run all of my excess weight off anyway.

I labelled overeating as ‘carb-loading’ and started seeing it as a ritual almost.

But the truth is I never lost the pounds I gained in the lead-up to the next marathon. I’m not running to maintain my weight. I need to stop sabotaging my own progress.

This pretty much summed up my attitude for the last 2 marathons.

I don’t want to feel shitty before a marathon again. The taper is enough of an emotional maelstrom without worrying about if my body is ready.

Over the past two years I’ve felt constrained by a healthy diet. It ‘s as if I can’t be myself without eating a cosmic fuckton of Pot Noodles and cheese. I’m then caught in a cycle of eating food for the sake of it and it’s tremendously difficult habit to break.

True freedom comes with the ability to say no, not from giving into indulgence and being a slave to chocolate.

If you’re a slave to a feeling or a sensation, then you couldn’t be any less free.

Deflated About Being Back To A Normal Lifestyle..

I’m enjoying healthy food now after the gorge-fest that was December. I can only consume so much chocolate and Southern Comfort before I go fishing for sprouts and grapes.

But I still don’t feel like myself. My sleeping is shit and I find nights difficult to deal with. During the day I can draw from my anger as fuel. By night-time that energy disintegrates into boredom, dismay and/or regret.

I get the impression that the same anger that fuels my running has a negative aspect to it that only comes out at night.

In the past I’ve used food as an escape from the discomfort but it’s a placebo effect and I ultimately feel worse for it in the morning.

Blocking It Out Isn’t The Way To Deal With It…

Food, booze, religion and drugs are all stop gaps to fill the large void most of us feel inside. The problem is that you become dependant on them and they bite back and swallow what’s left of you.

In an ideal world I’d be free of all of those influences. But that’s obviously not the case at the minute.

I won’t defeat it either by wishing I was different. I’ve got to start to be different by accepting where I am and moving forward.

Working On It Little By Little.

I keep myself sedated with reality TV and then just wait for morning to arrive and for a new day to begin.

But night time is hard and it’s been my great undoing in the past 2 years. I’ve ate so much unnecessary shit at night that it’s stopped me ever acquiring a healthy weight.

I need to make the correct decisions more often.