7 Ways You Can Annoy Runners Without Really Trying.

Still no Vegas race report. I am really  jet lagged and the best I can manage tonight is a list of 7 ways you can easily annoy runners.

I wasn’t gonna post at all tonight but I nearly got my head caught in a train door after leaving my rail pass on my seat. That was pretty infuriating.

Anyway try a few of these out if you want to piss some humourless idiots off.

  1. Remind them of all the healthy people that have died running – Jim Fixx and countless other healthy men have expired during races. This much is true. Many have died in McDonalds whilst chowing down on Big Mac meals. This much is true. We all die at some point. Do you want to choke to death on a Bacon McRib or go down in a blaze of glory in a race? Personally I’d rather die eating a McRib whilst running a marathon.
  2. Tell them that running is stupid – “What’s the point in running in a circle when your life isn’t in danger? It’s not natural!” And neither are your mothers titties!  Besides I’m practising for when my life is in danger and some asshole is out on the rape. Anyway what’s the point in anything? You derive your own meaning from whatever makes you happy in life. If that involves force feeding mallards your old Nokia smart phones then go for it kid. Make them quack and burp your happy ringtones.
  3. Ask them did they win the race after they’ve finished – When you say ‘No’ and they say ‘Why not?’ ask them why they failed to finish egging all the cocks off at the shipyard last night. We can’t always bring our A-Game to downtown, sweetheart.
  4. Mock their appalling diet – “You’re supposed to be healthy and you eat all that shit?”.  Yes I eat junk food. I can eat calorie laden foods as I exercise and balance it out. There are many ways of achieving a healthy life balance. It is not all about lettuce.
  5. Tell them that you could beat them in a race if you tried – This used to piss me off a lot but now when I hear it I think to myself “Go ahead and do it then. I don’t care. I’ll cheer you on if you win!” If you take up running just to one-up someone else then that’s quite sad.
  6. Tell them that running isn’t a sport – And that it is barely even a pastime. It lies somewhere between conkers and wanking in the sporting World. I have had this one before from fans of Golf. Golf for God’s sake!  This island is full of golfing assholes. It isn’t a sport but more of a publicly acceptable form of cottaging for middle aged man whores with too much cash. They don’t bend over at the hole to get their ball out for nothing. That’s a primal cry for spunk.
  7. Tell them that they are not running but jogging – This will seriously annoy some runners, but not anyone with sense. The old jogging vs running debate has been fuelled for so long by this old chestnut. It used to annoy me but it doesn’t matter. As long as you’re moving forward that’s all that matters.

On Struggling To Wake Up For Morning Runs And Transforming My Short Jogs Into 8-10 Milers To Make Long Runs Easier.

It’s been a good week for running so far. I managed to pull myself out of bed on Wednesday and Friday at 5am . The reason why I get up so early on weekday runs is that I know it’s gonna take at least 30 minutes to entertain the notion of going outside. By 5:30am I’m awake but still dreading the run.

The important thing is getting up from my bed and trying to stop falling back into sleep. it’s far too easy to hit snooze and climb back into bed.

On both of the runs this week I had to bargain myself into going outside. It worked. On Friday it was raining heavily and I coaxed myself into the jog by agreeing it was better to go for a 4 mile run than to lie inside and do nothing.

I ran 8 miles when I got out.

The most difficult part of any run is getting out there in the first place. Once you have your shoes and gear on, it becomes easy. It’s just about persuading yourself to make those first steps. It’s fucking difficult to do, but I managed it.

Your brain will always try to convince you to stay inside when the weather is shit, but once you get outside and start moving your heart will soar and everything else will be irrelevant.

And another run today!

I ran 8.4 miles today at a 9:53 min/mile pace. I’m finally managing to hit both my pace and distance targets for my Paris Marathon training which is in only 10 weeks time.

I’ve been aiming to make my short runs fit into the 8-10 mile category and it’s only this week it’s been easy. To make long runs a routine I need to be running longer distances in my short runs. It makes sense. Before I’d focus on weekly mileage and assume that running 5 miles twice on a Saturday meant that I could easily cover 10 miles.

It made me confident in running 5 miles and that’s about it.

I can only become comfortable at running 10 miles by running 10 miles and dealing with any physical or mental issues that may arise as those are the things that will matter when it comes to race day.

The run today didn’t go completely smoothly.

I wasn’t going to mention this as it will make me sound like a bit of a twat, but fuck it who cares. You know what I am.

Mid-way through the run I encountered a woman on the opposite side of the road. She was walking 2 small dogs and standing outside a farm with horses in the field by the gate. Her dogs were frightening the animals and she wasn’t doing anything to stop it.

I felt like saying something to her about it but I let it be. I managed to get 100 metres further down the road when I heard her scream. I glanced back and she was lying on the ground with the dogs trying to pull her in opposite directions.

Normally I would have offered assistance in such a situation, but this time around I can’t help but think she had it coming to her.

I made the most of the tragedy and put in a little bit of impromptu speed work to flee the scene.

By mile 7 I was certain I would have to stop. I felt like I was dying.

With laughter.

Running for longer but less often.

So in short I’m running less often but for longer each time. In January 2012 I ran 24 times in the month and covered 140 miles. In January 2013 I’ve covered 95 miles and ran 11 times and I feel much stronger on the long run because of it.

Tomorrow I have to cover 14 miles on the long run and I’m confident that I’ll do it. I might have to jog a little slower than I’m used to, but it will happen and it’ll be good.

6 Negative Aspects To Marathon Training That I’ll Be Glad To See The Back Of.

With only 11 days left until Paris and little over a week until I fly out to Amsterdam to begin my ‘carb loading’  session I’ve been reflecting on the things what I won’t miss about marathon training.

  1. I won’t miss the deflated feeling the day after a long run – I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me on those days but I just feel mentally spent and none of it seems worthwhile. I go onto Twitter and see motivation quotes and I just want to shit in a dustbin and throw it at someone happy.
  2. I won’t miss feeling under pressure about making my long run count every time – The pressure I feel to continue on in the last miles is too much, particularly in the last few weeks of the schedule. My last few long runs were miserable affairs where I wanted to catch the bus home every time I seen one drive past. I think the long runs will get better though if I keep running over 10 miles in my mid distance runs. But until then, I long for the day when there are no more long runs.
  3. I won’t miss having to taper – I seriously hate this fucking tapering malarkey. I’m basically acting like a fat bastard by scoffing Ben and Jerry’s and feeling terrible about it. I want to run to escape the negative feelings but Hal fucking Higdon says no. I must conserve myself for the 26.2 miles where everything will magically come to-fucking-gether. Fuck it all. This shit is unnatural.
  4. I won’t miss having to fuel properly before and during long runs –  I’m never hungry before long runs as I’m always too nervous. I hate the texture of gels. I hate the taste of isotonic drink. I hate the feeling of running 16 miles and being dreadfully thirsty and not having the stomach to keep anything down. It’s shitty and boring at times.
  5. I won’t miss having to continually worry about whether I’ll be able to survive in those last 6 miles – I’ve ran 2 marathons and I’m still not used to the distance. With half marathons I can at least soldier on through and not worry about collapsing mentally just short of home. The marathon is an unknown quantity to me.
  6. I won’t miss having to take more rest days when I don’t want to – I hate having to conserve myself for the longer runs. There have been plenty of Fridays where I’ve been in the mood for a run, but been unable to go on one as my long run is on the next day. It just feels like a waste.

Now for more positive shit.

I want to run longer. I want to get better. I don’t want to have to worry about these fucking long runs anymore. I’m doing everything I can to get better and to be in a stronger position.

I’m in a much better position than I was this time last year.

I’m just frustrated at the minute. And fucked-up on Ben & Jerry’s.

This isn’t helping.

I will stop being a negative creep now and crack one off to a self-help tape by Deepak Chopra.

The undisputed king of the bullshitting.

To be honest I only listen to shit like this to build up hate/energy for my morning runs.

This still works from yesterday.

Up at 5am tomorrow for 8 miles.