33 Things That Runners Say That Will Alienate You From Your Non-Running Friends.

Inspired in part by the old “Shit Runners Say” video, I’ve decided to create a list of the shit runners say but this time I’ve written comebacks that reveal what your friends are really thinking!

  1. “I’m running another marathon” – “Oh fuck! Not again! We’re gonna hear about this all year aren’t we? Have you seen this guy run? It looks like he’s trying to have sex with the atmosphere….and not in a good way.”
  2. “I’m so out of shape” – “Really now? You’ve got the body of a stick insect and you think you’re out of shape!? I’m 30 pounds overweight and only run when I need to waddle to the toilet after mistaking a fart for a shart!”
  3. “I’m carb-loading!” –  “Is that not the buzz phrase for having an eating disorder? You should get some help! Last time you were carb loading you ate an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast!”
  4. “I can’t go to the bar, I’ve got a long run tomorrow, do you want to come with me?” – “Fuck off.”
  5. “I’m so hungry after my run!” – “Oh really? Is that why you’re sitting at a restaurant table and eating MY nachos? Learn some self control you asshole!”
  6. “God I so hate running” – “Then stop doing it then! You wouldn’t keep beating yourself around the head with a hammer if it hurt so much, would you? Stop being a goddamn martyr.”
  7. “I got my second wind on my run yesterday – “Does that mean you’ve got diarrhoea today? If yes, can you please sit somewhere else? The last thing I want is for you to have a nuclear meltdown in your knickers whilst I’m next to you.”
  8. I hit the wall in my last race!” – “Obviously not fucking hard enough.”
  9. “I’ll meet up with you after my run” – “The last time you did that we went to the cinema and you started sweating into my popcorn and spent the entire time trying to stretch your legs into the back of the seat in front. Then they had to evacuate the cinema because your cock fumes were so pungent.”
  10. “(defensive) I’m not a jogger! I’m a runner!” – “Cool! Could you do us all a favour and run as far away as possible from us? We really want to see some of your legendary speedwork in action!”
  11. “Endorphins are my drug of choice!” – “Really? Is there a way you could overdose on them? You’re killing our fucking buzz.”
  12.  “I can’t do stairs today!” – “What do you mean you can’t do stairs? We’re not asking you to build a spiral staircase out of glass! You’re just walking funny so that people will ask you “what’s wrong?” and you’ll respond with oh nothing…..I RAN 15 MILES YESTERDAY! Be a man and stop walking around like you’ve shit yourself.”
  13. “You know, running is a sport!” – “If running is a sport, then so must masturbating to Enya records. In fact I’m petitioning for it to become an Olympic event. It takes more than just grit and heart to crack one off to Orinoco Flow. It’s next to impossible. You start to feel yourself building up to a climax when she goes “DE DE! DE DE!” in the 2nd bridge. Then she blasts into that demented middle 8 that leaves you as limp as Sunday. Now that’s a real sport! ”
  14. “Life is like a marathon!” – “Really? Is it 26.2 miles long? Or is it full of self-obsessed idiots who only pretend to know which way’s forward? “
  15. “I had to shit in a hedge on my last run!” – “Fucking hell dude. Why are you telling me this over lunch? I’m trying to eat my Meatballs!”
  16. “I have more running clothes than real clothes!” – “Do you want me to feel sorry for you and take you to the thrift store for some new gear? Or are you just being quirky again?”
  17. “I run so I can eat all I want!” – “And that’s meant to be an admirable thing? You consume more food just so you can burn it all off again? Couldn’t you just practice some self control?”
  18. “I only ran 18 miles instead of 20!” – “Yes. You only ran 18 miles. Bravo. I haven’t ran 18 miles in my life you smug fuck!”
  19. “My toenails keep falling off” – “Why the hell are you telling me this? Are you mistaking me for a fellow leper? There are colonies for people like you! Get out of my house! I don’t want to be sweeping up parts of you from my floor for the next month. What’s next to flake off your body? Your cock?”
  20. “I haven’t trained at all for this race!” – “Liar! You always pretend to run less than you really do for marathons so that you can try to impress us with your innate running talent. You’ve been scurrying around town in the mornings to put in the miles. We know! We’ve seen the police reports where you’ve been caught shitting in gardens!”
  21. “I’m such a slob I missed my run yesterday!” – “I spent last night in front of the TV with beer, pizza and cheese. What does that make me? Hell, I was that lazy that I let the cat shit in the ashtray and the dog piss in the sink!”
  22. “Sorry for being late, I was running this morning and I have to run or else.” – “Or else what? How can plodding around in the dark and swearing at inanimate objects be more important than your Aunt’s funeral!?”
  23. “Don’t ask me why I run, ask yourself why you don’t” – “I don’t run because I don’t want to become a sanctimonious asshole like you! Besides, I like lying in on a Sunday morning. It means I don’t come into work all exhausted from a long run!”
  24. “Could you bring me back something from the fridge, I ran x miles and can’t walk” – “Who the hell do you think you are, a war veteran? More importantly, who the hell do you think I am? Your personal assistant? If you can run 20 miles then you can walk the 20 foot to the fridge.”
  25. “Would you like to see a picture of my bleeding nipples?” – “Is that a threat or a promise? Either way, I’m going to report you for sexual harassment you pervert!”
  26. “If I don’t run my fastest race tomorrow, I’ll die” – “Really? Is this running business really life or death? Or are you just being a melodramatic asshole again? Besides even if you do run your best time tomorrow, you’ll still finish 3 hours behind the winner and it’s only a 10k!”
  27. “I don’t think I’ll be able to run a negative split in this race” – “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But you’re being negative, split!”
  28. “I didn’t fail in that race, I was just running to finish it” – “That’s not what you were saying 24 hours ago. You were swearing that you attach your genitals to your mailbox with a nail gun if you didn’t run a sub 3 hour marathon! Now are you a man of your word or not? Will I call an ambulance now or do it once you start screaming?”
  29. “Motorists are so selfish, someone nearly ran me over yesterday when I was out running” – “Yes of course! They’re the ones that are selfish! You just *meep meeped* across the road assuming they’d stop. When he didn’t, you threw him the bird and I think that’s probably the 2nd time you’ve flipped that guy off this week.
  30. “Ha! Your New Year’s Resolution is to be healthy? I run all year around!” – “Oh, what do you fucking want? A medal? Actually don’t answer that I already know that you’re a medal whore. I saw the desire flaring up in your eyes just there. The M word made you moist.”
  31. “My blisters are a badge of honour!” – “Why don’t you just walk into a house fire then and have a nap on the fucking couch? I won’t call an ambulance and you’ll be shrouded in your badges!”
  32. “Obsessed is what the lazy call dedicated” – “Yes! Just like Charles Manson was dedicated to re-arranging the Hollywood social scene in the 60’s! ”
  33. “Remember, nothing is impossible!” – “Cool! Would it be possible for you to maybe shut the fuck up about running for once then?”