For the past 4 months I’ve been demoralised about my inability to control my violent urges for food at night. I’ll track everything I eat up until around 8pm and then my stomach will begin to growl.
The uneasiness within will grow to such a level that I’ll be forced out of boredom or lack of self control to eat anything. Once I eat one thing, my appetite will gain momentum. The “What the fuck, I might as make this a feast now as I’ve ruined my eating plan” rises to the fore.
It’s those extra calories at night that are hampering my running. It’s not as if my calorie intake is vastly surpassing the energy I burn. In fact I’ve stayed at 211lbs now for about 3 months so I think I’m just about breaking even.
I need to catch those thoughts before they become urges. I mean, it’s OK to eat something at night. It’s just the gung-ho attitude that emerges after I eat one item that’s the issue.
A bad day doesn’t become a bad day until I throw in the towel and give in to the old routine.
My “fuck it” attitude is self defeating.
I rationalise it to myself by thinking “Well I can always run it off tomorrow!”. That may be true, but I’m not running solely to maintain my weight. I want to get faster and go further. I hate the feeling that I’m making reparations for the bad choices I made the night before. I should be making physical gains with each run, not just mental gains.
The simple fact is that I don’t need the extra calories. I’m already eating well over 3,000 a day. That’s more than enough to keep my body going even if I’m running 35 miles a week and walking 30.
It’s a battle that I’m still fighting. I haven’t lost to it yet as I’ve maintained the same weight since July and I’ve learnt more about what triggers the overeating at times. There won’t be a eureka moment where all my problems are solved. I need to focus on making better decisions when the challenge arrives.
I don’t have to make the right decision 100% of the time. 51% of the time would be a fucking start!
13.6 Mile Long Slow Run
An uneventful but pleasant run. I set out with the intention of running further than the 13.5 miles I ran last week and I achieved it even if it was only by a tenth of a mile.
I’m glad to report that my nipples are no longer an issue ever since I’ve applied the Bodyglide and the Vaseline on top! Such a fucking relief. There will be no weeping or screaming in the shower tomorrow.
I had only one angry moment today. It was when a girl disembarked a bus and stopped on the middle of a narrow footpath blocking my way.
She was wearing earphones so couldn’t hear my breathing or passive aggressive stomping. In the end I just ran on the inside of the pavement and nearly ended up in a hedge just to avoid a catastrophic collision.
Oh but the tunes sound so good in ma head, man!!
I wanted to fucking scream “WAKE UP!!” at her but she was clearly dead to the world.
So instead I just ran 0.1 miles pretty quickly and let out a massive “FUCCKKKKKKKKK!!!” when there was no-one else around.
It was the best moment of the day. Cathartic.