I’m sitting in silence after a run for the first time in ages and this is great.
I’m not contending with any warring positive and negative thoughts.
I’m not pouring wine over everything to block it out.
I’m not counting calories, tracking points or measuring units of alcohol.
I’m eating salad with honey mustard dressing.
You see, I snapped this week.
My ‘meltdown’ wasn’t dramatic. I didn’t go into Tesco in a cow patterned onesie with a hole cut out where my balls nap.
I’d been battling with a chest infection since Christmas Eve which ruined my ability to sleep.
By the time I had to head to work on Wednesday I really wasn’t in a great place. I was exhausted, still ill and confused.
I’ve struggled for a long time about my direction in life and at the time with no sleep and (ultimately the sense of no hope) I thought I was always gonna feel this way.
I’d had enough and just went into lockdown. For the last 2 days I’ve barely ate, slept or moved.
My only thoughts were negative as hell.
Last night was the worst part really.
I couldn’t relax let alone sleep. From midnight until about dawn I thought something awful was gonna happen but I didn’t know what the fuck it was.
I didn’t have the ‘fortune’ to blame it on a hangover.
This went on until 9am in the morning when I finally managed to get some rest.
I slept until 2pm.
I got up and ran even though I didn’t want to.
You can’t always wait for inspiration to hit you. Sometimes you’ve gotta force yourself out the door and battle through the first few minutes and then let your body do the rest.
That’s what happened today.
I ran 11.3 miles. I didn’t give a shit about pace or splits. I ran to try to make sense of the way I’ve been feeling.
And you know what? I think I have.
Negativity is a choice. I can choose to view myself by how others see me or I can just enjoy my life and be patient with myself.
I’m feeling better today
I’m trying not to worry too much about the future or my career anymore.
I’m still enjoying this salad. I’ve got my Telecaster around my neck. I don’t have to be anyone or anything. I’m turning 30 in a few weeks time and that’s the age where you’re meant to have settled down, but I don’t want any of that just now.
I want peace.
I want to be healthy and live a life that’s fun. I want to kill this 100K.
I’m tired of being down on myself all the time. I want to be excited about life.
And the problem for maybe the last while is that I haven’t and I’ve gotta ask myself why.