This post is a quick recap on all of the races I ran this year.

I entered 2013 with a marathon personal best of 4:54 and a half marathon time of 2:07:11.

I didn’t have any real goals for the year, only to keep on running and to enjoy it as much as possible.

All in all I completed 1 ultra marathon, 4 marathons and 6 half marathons.

Brighton Half Marathon – February – 2:07:07  (personal best)

This was a very tough race for me. I don’t quite understand why. I wanted to stop at mile 10 as the pain of running was too much. I continued on and achieved a personal best of 4 seconds.

Celebrated after the run in a gay bar across the road from the Promenade where a group of women invited me over to their table as I was sitting all alone and one of them talked about how she had to cut dried shit out of the back of her dog’s coat.

I made my excuses and headed to Wetherspoons.

Still, it was a fun day out. I’ve entered for next year but I don’t think I’ll be able to go unfortunately!

Liverpool Half Marathon – March – 2:02 (personal best)

A good race as ever in Liverpool.

It was held on St Patrick’s Day and I thought I’d be up for a major piss-up after the race.

To be honest I couldn’t be bothered .

I was sick to my stomach after putting everything into the run and spent the next 2 hours wandering around Liverpool City Centre trying to avoid a bunch of drunken twats who were wreaking havoc everywhere I looked.

Paris Marathon 2013 – April – 4:52 (personal best)

Total fucking disaster.

Spent the 2 nights before it high as a kite in Amsterdam, chowing down space cakes and Psilocybe Atlantis like there was no tomorrow.

Turned up in Paris Gare De Nord emotionally wrecked after a taxing experience the previous evening where Samara and Kim Jong-Un were playing table tennis in my hotel room after too many shrooms.

If I’d been piss tested after the race I’d have been disqualified for being a drug cheat.

The run was going well until mile 16 when I hit the wall. I hadn’t brought any fuel with me on the race, my mind was shot after the brain-rape in Amsterdam and I crawled home in 4:52.

Still, a personal best, but it wasn’t enjoyable in the slightest. My face below says it all.

Edinburgh Rock N Roll Half Marathon – April – 2:03

1 week after the Paris Marathon and I was heading back out on another jaunt, this time to Edinburgh.

The race itself was marred by the rainy weather.

I can’t say I enjoyed it, but I felt surprisingly strong given that this was only a week after Amsterdam/Paris.

At the time I was dismayed as I’d missed out on the sub 2 hour marathon mark. It ruined what should have been a joyous occasion.

Still I got a brilliant medal from it.

Belfast Marathon 2013 – May – 4:37 (personal best)

The first marathon I ever enjoyed really.

I made the mistake of carrying Reese’s Cups in my Camelbak and by the end of the race they had melted with my sweat into the lining of the material.

Fucking disgusting.

I hit the wall at mile 20 but this time around I knew I could jog through it and record a personal best after the disappointment of Paris.

In the end I took 15 minutes off my time and then enjoyed a wonderful week away in Crete the day after.

My legs were cramping like hell on that plane….

Lisburn Half Marathon 2013 – June – 2:05

Not much to say about this one, other than it was fun to run on a Wednesday evening for once!

Highlight of the run was downing 3 pints in The Cardan in 10 minutes before my train was due home.

I wasn’t overly impressed with my time, but I already knew I was gonna be off the sub 2 hour pace before I started.

It was all about getting around on the day and enjoying myself as much as possible.

Titanic Quarter 50k 2013 – September – 8:23 (personal best!)

My first ever ultramarathon and it was very fucking painful.

Long story short, I got lost at mile 9, ran an extra 6 miles, had to stop for a few shits in a number of country parks and on one occasion asked for the permission of the Northern Irish Justice Minister to go to the toilet in public.

Still I got through the experience relatively unscathed. I was in last position by over an hour but that didn’t matter.

I’d only started training for the event 2 weeks before the 50k and I knew it was gonna be a challenge.

Not my finest hour, but I got through it and I’m now an ultrarunner!

Rock N Roll Dublin Marathon 2013 – September – 1:57 (personal best)

After 14 attempts at trying to record a sub 2 hour half marathon I finally managed it on Dublin.

It was amazing blasting through the last mile feeling strong as hell right until the finish.

The only worrying thing about the race was that I almost fainted in the shower after the run. I’d put everything into it and felt nauseous for the rest of the day.

Put a dampener on the occasion.

Great Scottish Run – October – 1:56 (personal best)

The Great Scottish Run is arguably my favourite half marathon race as I love visiting Glasgow and the race route is typically quite flat.

The weather on the day wasn’t great but I was delighted to record yet another personal best, especially so soon after the Dublin Rock N Roll Marathon.

I was touch and go for the run up until Saturday evening. I’d spent that Friday in the Cathouse Rock Cub in central Glasgow where I became too drunk and ended up hurling all morning Saturday.

I started to feel much better after some salad and a Crabbies Ginger Beer and then recorded a new best time on Sunday!

Dublin Marathon 2013 – October – 4:23 (personal best)

Everything came together in Dublin.

The crowds were fantastic. The weather on the day was perfect for running.

And I actually managed to complete the entire race without stopping to walk.

Rock N Roll Las Vegas Marathon 2013 – November – 4:44

Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go and get really fucking drunk the day before the race.

Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to have 2 Margarita’s on race morning.

Maybe going to Las Vegas for 10 nights and running a marathon right in the middle isn’t conductive to great marathon times.

Still, the 10 days I spent there were amazing and I recorded my 3rd best marathon time there.

And I got an amazing medal!

In the past 5 days I’ve amassed 47 miles on 5 consecutive runs and I absolutely love going outside for a jog now.

Whilst in the past I’ve been dead against run streaks because of the associated injury risk, I’ve decided this time to try to keep going for as long as I can.

If I start to suspect than injury is imminent, I’m gonna cut the streak short. As it stands my body is in great shape as I’ve been taking it very easy and concentrating largely on the amount of time I’m spending on my feet.

Here are some of the benefits I’m noticing by running every day.

1. I’ve structured my daily run in as part of my healthier lifestyle – Breakfast is always followed by a run. When I know that I’m going out later for a jog, I’m much less likely to have a block of cheese or a packet of Haribo for breakfast. I don’t want to tempt fate and shit myself. I can’t seem to run well with a full stomach.
2. I’m building momentum with my running for the first time in a while – Whilst my pace might be modest, I can finally see my speed and endurance moving forward. This can only be positive for the future. The best aspect of my progress is that I’m having to put in much less effort to maintain my pace than even this time last week.
3. My daily run means that I eat much less through the course of 24 hours – I don’t have any appetite for at least a few hours after my run. Rather than force food into my system, I now wait until about 3 or 4pm to have a light snack before having dinner. When I’ve ran this often in the past I’ve struggled severely with the runger. I’d go outside, plod 5 miles and come back in and eat an entire pack of Snickers bars as a ‘reward’ for my running. Now if I even think about ruining my progress, I threaten to reward myself with a swift fucking punch to the balls because that’s as helpful as a sugary fix.

   What’s that Mr T? Get some Nuts? I’d rather fucking punt myself in the nuts you whore. If you’re gonna be a shill at least market something healthy like Guinness. 

4. I’m no longer frightened at having to pick up the pieces and start afresh with my running – If I go even 3 or 4 days without a run I start to panic that I won’t be able to run anymore. It’s an absolutely absurd notion that is destroyed entirely by going for a run every single day.
5. My mood is much better throughout the day and I have hope in life now – I don’t know what it is about the winter, but I struggle emotionally with the shorter days. Now that I have the time to run in the early afternoon, my evenings are so much brighter and full of joy. I haven’t laughed this much in too long. I now feel like I have breathing space to sort out my problems. For the last 3 or 4 years I’ve been using junk food to block out emotional pain and it’s been the coward’s way out. Now I have less of that pain.
6. I’m now running much more efficiently – By efficiently I mean that I’m running lazy with as little effort as possible. I’m conscious of putting too much strain on my body with the run streak so I need to make sure I listen to my body.
7. I can try out new things on each run – For most of last year I was running on average 3 times per week. This meant that I didn’t have much room to plan speed sessions, hill workouts and long distance runs. Now I’m more adventurous. For the first time in my running life I’m dedicating some runs for speed sessions. I’ve even been bringing my marathon fuel belt along with me on shorter runs so that I can practice taking in energy on the move (that’s what I tell myself anyway. I think I’m developing a serious mental dependence on SIS GO Blackcurrant Flavour).
8. The run streak reinforces the fact that I’m committed to running the 100k – This is important as it gives me a little peace of mind. At Christmas time I was experiencing guilt for not taking my training seriously enough. Now I have no room for guilt.

Have you ever went on a run streak? If so, how many days did you manage and did you remain injury free?

You’ll be glad to hear that I ran this morning at 6am. 7.2 miles in 71 minutes. It was fucking amazing! The first 3 miles were into the wind and for the rest of the journey the breeze carried me.

Anyway I’m glad that a lot of you enjoyed my last rant about It got me thinking about what motivates me to run. Here are a few ideas that I use from time to time when it’s too early/cold/windy/snowy or dark outside.

1. Give yourself half an hour to wake up before you plan to run. Tidy your bedroom, make some coffee and plan your day out. Relax and wait for the inspiration to come. You don’t have to shovel down raw eggs like Rocky or punch your refrigerator. Just make sure you leave yourself enough time so that you aren’t rushing when you get back home.
2. The best bit about running early in the morning in a small town is the you have free reign of the quiet roads. There’s less traffic which gives you greater freedom in terms of a route. There’s less chance of an accident. When there are no vehicles or people about, I enjoy sprinting down the centre line of roads pretending I am a car. I have this invasive thought when I’m out that I’m gonna stop for a piss down a quiet side road, be apprehended by a police officer and plead with him for my freedom with a line like “Are you with the AA? I’m only standing here for a routine change of oil, sir’.
3. Set your alarm tone to something that really fires you up. I used to use Born To Run until I got sick of it.  Keep the phone well away from your night stand to stop yourself from turning the alarm off.
4. Leave out your running gear the night before along with anything else you need to run. You’ll be amazed by how unwilling you’ll be at 6am to go hunting for your sweating old running kit.
5. If you don’t have the time or the will to run the distance you had initially planned then why not go on a shorter run?  Anything is better than nothing. Whenever I decide to go out on a short run I end up staying out longer than I had planned. Get out there and do something! Every mile counts.
6. It can take a while for me to get the inspiration to finally move. It will often come from playing a song I love or messing around with my guitar. Motivation for running will hit me like a thunderbolt.  I go out as soon as it strikes otherwise I fear I might change my mind.
7. Fire yourself up with anger. If i think about someone I hate, the running juices kick in and I want to hammer the ground hard with my feet.  Eamomn Holmes’ face on Sky News riles me so much that jogging is a joy even in the cold.
8. If you can’t run today then never worry. Don’t give into shame. Make a list of 3 positive things that you’ll do today that will make running easier for you in the future. You could count calories, walk a bit more, watch some inspirational videos or research some new races that you’d like to enter. Just do something that will put you in a better position tomorrow then you were in today when you woke up.
9. If you have a problem at work then a morning run can seriously do wonders in terms of coming up with a solution. Once the runners high hits, all sorts of shit pops into my head from nowhere. New ideas. New solutions. The unsolvable suddenly becomes solvable.
10. Reward yourself for running. It doesn’t have to be food or drink. My prize is a footlong Ham Subway without cheese for breakfast. If I reward myself with food, I’m careful not to consume even half of the calories I burned during the run otherwise I feel that it negates my effort.

I haven’t ran in 4 days now and my bad start to the week has carried on through Wednesday and into Thursday and I’m struggling to halt my downward course.

I seem to eat when I’m stressed out and bored. Just knowing this stresses me out making me OM-NOM-NOM-NOM everything in my path. It’s a vicious cycle that I keep getting trapped in.

You’d think I’d have learned to escape it by now?

Fucking no!

My running motivation has gone again.

I’ve lost sight of the bigger picture. I brace myself for the utter boredom of day-to-day life where survival and career progression are the only game in town and it seems less intolerable when I eat like shit and block it all out.

I’d rather allay my fears with a chocolate bar than actually think about shit. It’s easier.

Yet it doesn’t help at all. When I eat like shit I run less. When I run less I feel like shit and then I eat like shit and then I start acting like a shithead.

Why I haven’t been running this week.

Here are my excuses. If they sound like horse shit it’s because they are.

1. My bed has been trying to eat me on a nightly basis – Never before have I slept this well. Normally I toss and turn relentlessly during the night. Now I’m out like a light when my head touches the pilly. Last week is taking it’s toll physically.
2. I’m living in the shadow of an excellent week – I ran both fast and long, last week. Even a 40 mile week will pale in comparison to 63 miles and a sub 2 half marathon. That said, I know that marathon training is about consistency. I need to keep focused on Vegas and let that push me forward with my running. This rut will pass if I aim upwards and drive my way out.
3. My eating has got a lot worse and I haven’t been tracking shit – Now that I’ve stopped tracking I feel like I’ve stopped moving forward with my fitness on a daily basis. It’s almost like 1 step forward and 2 steps back. What’s the point of doing any exercise when at best I’ll be back to where I was yesterday?
4. I’ve been setting my alarm too early and falling back to sleep because of it – I’ve been setting it for 3:30am exactly, yet I wake earlier than that as I leave my TV on all night as it’s the only way I can sleep anymore. The ‘Most Haunted’ ghost programme keeps waking me up, namely the co-host Yvette Fielding and her demented moans whenever she thinks she spots a demon when it’s really a lightbulb. In case you haven’t seen the programme, it consists of a group of ghost hunters screaming at darkness like badgers drunk on fermenting fruit. Hearing Yvette moaning as I surface from blissful depths of Dreamville makes me recoil in panic and horror. I immediately think that I’ve left a porno on all night and that the neighbours have had enough and have called the cops.

   “I assure you officer, I haven’t been wanking. I’m just watching Yvette moan like a whore at her own shadow as I can’t sleep!”

5. I’ve kept telling myself that I deserve a rest, but I’ve gone too far –  I guess I did deserve a rest after running 63 miles but in all honesty 4 days is too much. I could have easily woken this morning and thumped out a 10 miler without much trouble but I decided to put the covers back over my head.
6. I keep telling myself that it’s been a bad week but this hasn’t been one…yet – Tomorrow is a pivotal day where I can rescue everything with a run and  sensible eating before 6pm. That’s the beauty of this lifestyle, you can mess up and make up for previous mistakes with a few good days.

So tomorrow I’m waking up at 5am and I’m gonna rescue my fucking week and charge around this town whilst it’s still dark and record at least a 10 mile run.

If you too have had a bad week remember that it’s still not too late to rescue it for yourself. Don’t get to Monday and regret the week that’s passed.

Grab it by the balls and make it a good one whilst there’s still time!

Today’s post is about the little changes I’ve made to my running & my lifestyle that have made me a better runner over the last year.

Hopefully a few of these will apply to your own life and you can use them to assist you too!

1. I’ve stopped constraining myself with labels – First I was a jogger. Then I was a plodder. Then I was a half marathoner. Then a marathoner. You limit your vision by what you define yourself as. If you derive most of your identity from being a half-marathoner, then you can be constrained by half marathons. If you think that all you’re capable of is a 5 hour marathon, then you’ll be less likely to try for a faster time. You’ve gotta give yourself a chance to prove what you’re capable of. I’ve stopped putting myself in boxes now as I’m growing and expanding.
2. I complete all the hill work I can – There’s nothing worse than encountering a hill you aren’t ready for in a race. That’s why I take on as many as I can these days so there aren’t any unpleasant surprises. Running on hills has improved not only my mental strength but my physical strength. I’m ready for anything. Besides I’ve learned to enjoy hill running. I take it easy and work with the hill.
3. I’ve stopped checking my Garmin every 20 seconds – That was enough to drive me up the wall. There have been a few times where I’ve tripped up on the ground whilst looking at the watch. Checking it doesn’t make the time go by any faster either (I should have learned my lesson when I was a kid waiting for Santa Claus!)
4. I’ve stopped weighing myself so often – It got so bad at one point over Christmas that I’d rejoice in needing a piss as I could weigh myself again after. “Holy shit man, down 4lbs in 3 minutes after pissing out 8 litres of Lucozade Sport! I’m a fucking winner!”
5. I’ve accepted that it’s more important to be the best runner I can be and not necessarily the best runner – Sometimes I’m left feeling hopeless when I see how bad at running I am compared to others. This doesn’t matter. I need to focus on improving as much as I can and forget what others are doing. You’ve gotta run your own race in life.
6. I wave at cars instead of giving them the bird when I’m out running – Before I’d have a permanent scowl on my face and I’d be paranoid that they might take offence at my head and come back and finish me off with a shovel.

   I will run you right over you little speccy bastard! 

7. I’ve stopped worrying about races whilst there’s still time to train for them – What’s the point of worrying about a marathon when I can get outside and train for it? Worry causes stress. Stress causes me to overeat. Gaining weight stresses me out. None of these things help me as a runner. All I have to do is get out there and run off the worry! It’s the easiest and best option!
8. I’ve stopped ‘picking’ fights with people walking their dogs – I’ll admit it, for the first year as a runner I almost thrived off confrontation with dog walkers. Whenever a little dog nibbled at my ankles I was full of righteous indignation and wanted to set the owner straight about how this was totez unacceptable. What a dick I was! And did it help with my running? Nope. It just made me more full of rage.

   So to all dogs. I’m sorry. It’s me that’s a cunt, not you. Except poodles. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING CUNTS! 

9. I no longer view speed work as the enemy – Speed work is liberating in that it allows you to run faster whilst applying the same amount of effort. I still disagree with the word “work”. It you view it as fun and enjoy yourself then you’ll want to do it more and more.
10. I’ve stopped assuming that the worst is yet to come in my running & my life – Ever since I completed my first marathon back in 2011 I’ve been waiting for “The Event” that will bring my running days to a halt. I don’t even know what I’m scared of. The unknown?
11. I’ve stopped viewing “comfort food” as comforting – I hate the feeling of being overweight when running or walking. I hate when my clothes don’t fit. I hate having to constantly pull my t-shirt down over my body. The more junk food I eat, the worse this will become which is why I limit my intake these days.
12. My failings as a runner aren’t final – Failure isn’t the end, it’s just a signpost towards success. I never thought I’d record a sub 2 hour half marathon, but I finally did it in Dublin in August 2013 at the 15th attempt. I never thought I’d run a marathon again after I freaked out in Barcelona El Prat and missed the Dublin Marathon 2011. I came back in 2013 and recorded my best ever time. I might have messed up in Las Vegas too but I will go back again and make up for it.
13. I’ve accepted my stubbornness is not always a virtue and I’m changing – Sure, I might have a “never say die” attitude that means I keep coming back to running but that same stubbornness means that I never cease the shit that’s dragging me down. Eating junk food, running at the same slow speed and drinking to excess on the night before a race weren’t helping my running. That’s why I’m changing my diet, reducing my alcohol consumption and working on my strength as a runner.
14. I know now that I don’t gain anything from having a negative mindset, so I’ve stopping giving in so willingly to negative thought cycles – When you’re looking down, you’ll only head in that direction. If you think that your run will suck and hold on to that mindset then you’ll only drag yourself into a bad run.
15. I no longer put pressure on myself “to perform” in the middle of a race – When I get tense, I start to hit the ground harder with my feet to compensate. How does that help? I’d rather be more ambitious in training than leave everything until the race. I always run better when I’m relaxed. It’s the only way I can fly.
16. I’d rather run a race even if I’m not prepared for it and fail spectacularly – Especially if the alternative is to sit on the couch and just say ‘yeah I’ll run this race at a later date’. That later date will likely never arrive if I’m unwilling to try anything remotely different. That’s why I’m glad I ran the Titanic Quarter 50k, even if I finished last by over an hour. It was an experience and I pulled through. I can come back stronger next year!
17. I’ve accepted that I’m where I am today because of past choices  – And I can change where I’ll be tomorrow by being healthier today. There is no such thing as a wasted day for me anymore. I have the power to direct my future by being conscious over my lifestyle choices now. You can’t move forward if you’re continually having to make up for yesterday. I’ve stopped mortgaging my progress as a runner for another slice of fucking cake.
18. I’ve started changing my running shoes more often – In the past I refused to change them until I’d put 1,000 miles into them. By this stage they were quite literally falling apart and providing zero support. Now I change them every 3 to 4 months.
19. I’ve reduced the amount of alcohol I drink on the night before running – Instead of having half a bottle of Vodka on a Saturday night I’ll go for one bottle of wine. I don’t have to cut out alcohol altogether. I’ve realised that too much is not good for me, particularly if I’m drinking for the wrong reasons. You only ever develop an alcohol problem when it initially provides a solution to a deep rooted issue. That was the case for me when I started when I was 19. All of a sudden social anxiety was a thing of the past. Only it wasn’t! I was just driving it deeper and deeper.
20. I stay out running past my comfort zone – Let’s say that I know I have 8 miles in the tank. Instead of quitting at exactly 8 miles, I will try to extend my run to 8.25 or 8.5 miles. It might not seem like much but it has done wonders for my stamina over the years.
21. I always do a little speed work on every run – Even in long slow sessions I will always include bursts of speed to liven up the run. It makes it more enjoyable and helps increase my pace steadily too.
22. I’ve stopped blaming other people in races – I take personal responsibility if I mess up. Even when I’m blocked by 4 ‘Sisters!’ running together with their arms linked in a row. Even when someone stopped right in front of me at a water station. Even when the racing line is blocked by a man dressed as Scooby Doo. These are all obstacles that I circumvent. I only blame others when I’m not well prepared.
23. I feel happy for friends or acquaintances when they record a better time than me – Before I’d get jealous of their success, overtrain to try to beat the person and then get injured. When other runners fail, you don’t gain anything. When they succeed, you can gain advice and wisdom if you get over your own ego!

This time last year my aim with running was to say goodbye to the 10 minute mile forever.

In all fairness I was tired of running at the 10 minute mile. I’d been clocking them in for the last 18 months and running at that pace never seemed to get any easier.

Yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to run faster than that speed consistently. That’s when I invented the ’10 minute mile game!’

Playing the sub 10 minute mile game

Around autumn time last year I judged the quality of my runs based on how far under the 10 minute mile average I ran.

I created a points system where I’d take my average pace, calculate how many seconds it was below a 10 minute mile average and then multiple that number by the miles I ran.

So if I ran a 9:50 min/mile over 6 miles then I’d score 60 points.

As the weeks went on I’d set myself higher targets. For the first month my target was 60 points. Then I made it 100 points.

In the New Year it became 200 points.

It meant that in each run I was aiming to either run faster or longer and had an idiot proof way of logging my progress over the days and the months.

Now I’m playing the sub 9 minute mile game

I’m just back from an 8.5 mile run where I ran at an average 8:43 min/mile pace.

I’m gonna aim to keep my weekday runs under a 9 minute mile average and work with the same points system I used last year.

Going by it I managed 144 points today.

That’s pretty good going. I’m happy to start over again and just aim for 60 points or a 8:50 min/mile pace over 6 miles!

I know this will sound silly to most of you, but I’ve found it to be a good way to positively train my mind and body into adapting to running at a slightly faster pace than longer.

To make running a sub 9 minute mile easier, I’m trying to go faster still

I think the best thing about my run today is that I managed 2 consecutive miles that were ran under an 8 minute mile.

I’ve never achieved this before in my life.

I know that if I can throw in more of these sub 8 minute miles over the winter that maybe next year I’ll be playing the sub 8 minute mile game.

Progress is all about being consistent and attempting to make small improvements that add up over time.

Too often I’ve lost sight of what I’ve been trying to do.

Now I’m inspired to keep striving for faster.

Inspired in part by the old “Shit Runners Say” video, I’ve decided to create a list of the shit runners say but this time I’ve written comebacks that reveal what your friends are really thinking!

1. “I’m running another marathon” – “Oh fuck! Not again! We’re gonna hear about this all year aren’t we? Have you seen this guy run? It looks like he’s trying to have sex with the atmosphere….and not in a good way.”
2. “I’m so out of shape” – “Really now? You’ve got the body of a stick insect and you think you’re out of shape!? I’m 30 pounds overweight and only run when I need to waddle to the toilet after mistaking a fart for a shart!”
3. “I’m carb-loading!” –  “Is that not the buzz phrase for having an eating disorder? You should get some help! Last time you were carb loading you ate an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast!”
4. “I can’t go to the bar, I’ve got a long run tomorrow, do you want to come with me?” – “Fuck off.”
5. “I’m so hungry after my run!” – “Oh really? Is that why you’re sitting at a restaurant table and eating MY nachos? Learn some self control you asshole!”
6. “God I so hate running” – “Then stop doing it then! You wouldn’t keep beating yourself around the head with a hammer if it hurt so much, would you? Stop being a goddamn martyr.”
7. “I got my second wind on my run yesterday – “Does that mean you’ve got diarrhoea today? If yes, can you please sit somewhere else? The last thing I want is for you to have a nuclear meltdown in your knickers whilst I’m next to you.”
8. “I hit the wall in my last race!” – “Obviously not fucking hard enough.”
9. “I’ll meet up with you after my run” – “The last time you did that we went to the cinema and you started sweating into my popcorn and spent the entire time trying to stretch your legs into the back of the seat in front. Then they had to evacuate the cinema because your cock fumes were so pungent.”
10. “(defensive) I’m not a jogger! I’m a runner!” – “Cool! Could you do us all a favour and run as far away as possible from us? We really want to see some of your legendary speedwork in action!”
11. “Endorphins are my drug of choice!” – “Really? Is there a way you could overdose on them? You’re killing our fucking buzz.”
12.  “I can’t do stairs today!” – “What do you mean you can’t do stairs? We’re not asking you to build a spiral staircase out of glass! You’re just walking funny so that people will ask you “what’s wrong?” and you’ll respond with oh nothing…..I RAN 15 MILES YESTERDAY! Be a man and stop walking around like you’ve shit yourself.”
13. “You know, running is a sport!” – “If running is a sport, then so must masturbating to Enya records. In fact I’m petitioning for it to become an Olympic event. It takes more than just grit and heart to crack one off to Orinoco Flow. It’s next to impossible. You start to feel yourself building up to a climax when she goes “DE DE! DE DE!” in the 2nd bridge. Then she blasts into that demented middle 8 that leaves you as limp as Sunday. Now that’s a real sport! ”
14. “Life is like a marathon!” – “Really? Is it 26.2 miles long? Or is it full of self-obsessed idiots who only pretend to know which way’s forward? “
15. “I had to shit in a hedge on my last run!” – “Fucking hell dude. Why are you telling me this over lunch? I’m trying to eat my Meatballs!”
16. “I have more running clothes than real clothes!” – “Do you want me to feel sorry for you and take you to the thrift store for some new gear? Or are you just being quirky again?”
17. “I run so I can eat all I want!” – “And that’s meant to be an admirable thing? You consume more food just so you can burn it all off again? Couldn’t you just practice some self control?”
18. “I only ran 18 miles instead of 20!” – “Yes. You only ran 18 miles. Bravo. I haven’t ran 18 miles in my life you smug fuck!”
19. “My toenails keep falling off” – “Why the hell are you telling me this? Are you mistaking me for a fellow leper? There are colonies for people like you! Get out of my house! I don’t want to be sweeping up parts of you from my floor for the next month. What’s next to flake off your body? Your cock?”
20. “I haven’t trained at all for this race!” – “Liar! You always pretend to run less than you really do for marathons so that you can try to impress us with your innate running talent. You’ve been scurrying around town in the mornings to put in the miles. We know! We’ve seen the police reports where you’ve been caught shitting in gardens!”
21. “I’m such a slob I missed my run yesterday!” – “I spent last night in front of the TV with beer, pizza and cheese. What does that make me? Hell, I was that lazy that I let the cat shit in the ashtray and the dog piss in the sink!”
22. “Sorry for being late, I was running this morning and I have to run or else.” – “Or else what? How can plodding around in the dark and swearing at inanimate objects be more important than your Aunt’s funeral!?”
23. “Don’t ask me why I run, ask yourself why you don’t” – “I don’t run because I don’t want to become a sanctimonious asshole like you! Besides, I like lying in on a Sunday morning. It means I don’t come into work all exhausted from a long run!”
24. “Could you bring me back something from the fridge, I ran x miles and can’t walk” – “Who the hell do you think you are, a war veteran? More importantly, who the hell do you think I am? Your personal assistant? If you can run 20 miles then you can walk the 20 foot to the fridge.”
25. “Would you like to see a picture of my bleeding nipples?” – “Is that a threat or a promise? Either way, I’m going to report you for sexual harassment you pervert!”
26. “If I don’t run my fastest race tomorrow, I’ll die” – “Really? Is this running business really life or death? Or are you just being a melodramatic asshole again? Besides even if you do run your best time tomorrow, you’ll still finish 3 hours behind the winner and it’s only a 10k!”
27. “I don’t think I’ll be able to run a negative split in this race” – “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But you’re being negative, split!”
28. “I didn’t fail in that race, I was just running to finish it” – “That’s not what you were saying 24 hours ago. You were swearing that you attach your genitals to your mailbox with a nail gun if you didn’t run a sub 3 hour marathon! Now are you a man of your word or not? Will I call an ambulance now or do it once you start screaming?”
29. “Motorists are so selfish, someone nearly ran me over yesterday when I was out running” – “Yes of course! They’re the ones that are selfish! You just *meep meeped* across the road assuming they’d stop. When he didn’t, you threw him the bird and I think that’s probably the 2nd time you’ve flipped that guy off this week.”
30. “Ha! Your New Year’s Resolution is to be healthy? I run all year around!” – “Oh, what do you fucking want? A medal? Actually don’t answer that I already know that you’re a medal whore. I saw the desire flaring up in your eyes just there. The M word made you moist.”
31. “My blisters are a badge of honour!” – “Why don’t you just walk into a house fire then and have a nap on the fucking couch? I won’t call an ambulance and you’ll be shrouded in your badges!”
32. “Obsessed is what the lazy call dedicated” – “Yes! Just like Charles Manson was dedicated to re-arranging the Hollywood social scene in the 60’s! ”
33. “Remember, nothing is impossible!” – “Cool! Would it be possible for you to maybe shut the fuck up about running for once then?”